It puts the cake in its mouth

I remember my friend Vicky used to call her bump The Jelly Bean which was cute because when her daughter was born they called her Jessica so we call her Jessie Bean. My friend Nova called her daughter Bean and when she was born the nickname stuck (she’s off to college next year and she’s still called Bean).

I call mine The Beast and it speaks to me like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs but in a Golem voice and normally it talks about food “It puts the cake in its mouth” is one of the phrases I hear on a weekly basis. The daily one is ” It tucks itself into bed for naps”.  I’m sure in a few weeks i’ll be rubbing lotion on my skin, not because its better than the hose, but because it’s better than strech marks. although i’m pretty sure this tiger will earn more than her fair share of stripes.

I feel like my life is being taken over by a hungry narcoleptic despot and the beast isn’t even out here yet. Isn’t it funny how something so small can have such a big impact. According to my app The Beast is only the size of a grape and yet its taken over.  Not to mention the list of things i can’t eat. I was reading in the paper yesterday about how many pregnant women drink and eat thing on the banned list and how 91% say the biggest issue they dealt with was guilt. . I get it! I feel like i’m living on the edge having 2 cups of tea knowing that 3 is my limit. I feel guilty looking at soft cheese at the deli counter. I had THE most graphic dream last week that involved a rare steak and cambonzola sandwich that brought me to my knees with pleasure.  I’m actually drooling now at the thought of it.

Every year i am massive Lent hardass and i give up all my favourite things. This year it was dairy, meat, drinking through the week and i’m torn now between being super grateful that i was so ridiculously healthy i got pregnant and wishing i hadn’t wasted nearly 40 days not eating things i would have to spend another 9 months avoiding and not kicking back with a Hendricks and Tonic when i had the chance. Last week i poured myself a short of tonic with a slice of cucumber in it just to let my mind fill in the blanks.

I complain but i wouldn’t change it for all the cheese in Europe. All those years of Lent training have given me the time to hone my “giving something up because its good for my soul” and i know that i’d walk over hot coals if The Beast asks . . but for now It is going to put cake in its mouth because The Beast said so. . .

This entry was posted in Life.

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