Yesterday morning I dropped DDH at the airport and waved him off for a 10 day trip in the US. When we first moved to Melbourne he had to go away for 5 months and Frank and I were left home alone. But after nearly a year of having him home i’ve gotten used to having him around the house.
As sad as I was to wave him off I was quite looking forward to having some time to myself to watch The Princess Bride on netflix and eat ice cream from the tub in my pjs. So finishing work last night and getting out for a nice big walk with Frank was the start of what i hoped would be a lovely week. Bundled up against the cold we walked down the beach and watched the sun set and the birds swoop around. Heading home in the chilly darkness wasn’t so bad knowing that i’d popped something delicious in the oven that would be ready when we got in.
After dinner and my movie and a couple of scoops of Cookies and Cream Ice cream i got into my pjs and got in to bed. Frank was tucked up in his little bed and i’d put my blankie on so it was nice and warm and as i snuggled in i reached up to turn the light off. . . . . and then didn’t.
Yes! I am a grown ass woman ( soon to be mother) and I slept with the light on. Is this madness? I did try to turn it off a few times but every time I did there was a funny noise or i got a funny feeling and eventually even with Frank now on the bed i just couldn’t bring myself to lie in the dark. . . alone. Hopefully, alone.
I always joke that if I heard an intruder in the house I’d be so relieved to find he was a run of the mill burglar / rapist and not a Zombie i’d probably just give him my valuables and PIN numbers and let him be on his way. Why is it that when I hear a bump in the night my brain always leaps straight to ZOMBIE or Angry ghost and not ….possum or . .crappy old heating system or a million other more plausible things?! Thanks to my tiny bladder I had to get up to pee at around 3 am and it took me 10 minutes to de-barricade my door before turning on every light in the house, rousing frank from his slumber so he could chaperon me for what was no doubt the quickest pee in history. Then I scurried back to my bedroom and barricaded myself back in like Will Smith in I Am Legend so I could lay there with eyes like saucers analysing all the plumbing noises that may indicate an imminent attack . . .
Of all the millions of things i have to lie awake at night worrying about why is the undead seemingly top of my list. Is it easier to be afraid of them than the possibility of having a miscarriage or finding something is wrong with the baby at my scan. Is it a better use of my time to make up an evacuation and survival plans instead of working out our household budget so we have enough money to cover everything?
Am i really just hiding from real life behind my night terrors. Because what truly scares me is not being enough. Not being able to give my child everything they need to be healthy and happy and well adjusted. I’d endure pretty much anything if the end result was a happy, healthy child waiting at the end.
So tonight is another night. I’m off for dumplings with a girlfriend and then hopefully when i get home i’ll be so full of food and so damn tired i’ll just not think about any of it and get a decent night’s kip. There is only so much worrying that can be done with a bellyfull of dumplings after a night of laughter….