Today one of the Lovely Mummies in my group posted the question “How have you changed since becoming a mummy”. . . Good question! Not how has your life changed but how have you changed. It was great to read how some mummies have grown more confident. Gone are the days of being a doormat, since becoming mummies they have the strength to say NO and PISS OFF YOU’RE WRONG.Other’s have become more organised and some more relaxed in their outlook on life. Ways I’ve changed since becoming a mum
- I’m much cooler about bodily fluids. I think 4 months ago I had never uttered the phrase ” No i’m not going to change, it’s only a little bit of poo” when talking about a stain on my clothes. I get peed or pooped on about 3 times a day. Early on I had thought about treating myself to a peepee teepee but then realised this was just going to be something else covered in pee I’d have to wash so I didn’t bother. Also as Mr H seems to have the best timing and a rather nasty habit of sharting, a tiny paper cone wasn’t going to stop me getting half a pound of shit blown up my arm during a nappy change.
- I have no shame. I’m like those contestants on X Factor who don’t realise they couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket and that most people would prefer to cut off their own ears than hear them sing. I now burst into “He’s got the Whole World in his hands” at the top of my lungs (complete with all the hand actions) at the slightest hint of a baby meltdown. and sometimes…just because I enjoy it. . . So sue me!
- I don’t sleep… well I do but not in the glorious 10 hour stretches that I used to. I now cat nap, normally whilst on the loo or waiting for my food to arrive at a restaurant. I now frequent all the local eateries that have shoddy service reviews just so I can get an extra 15 minutes of shut eye normally lulled off by the sound of DDH complaining about how he may die if his coffee doesn’t arrive. ahhh bliss!
- Like Prince, I refer to myself in the third person. “Mummy loves you very much Mr H” and ” Where did Mummy leave that fudging nappy bag” or the one that gets whispered quietly during the screaming battles of bedtime “Why do you hate, Mummy. WHY WON’T YOU SLEEP!?!”. And it’s not just Mummy, The Boobies have become a person. They make everything better and have to be asked nicely to come out and join the party. “Hey Boobies, we know where you live and someone is hungry so come out here and dish up dinner / lunch / breakfast / second breakfast/ midnight snack / 3am munchies . . .” I feel like Gandalf some days – what do you mean you need second breakfast! Get your hobbit arse out the door and give me a break
- I have become the narrator to my life. I was wandering around the grocery store at the weekend and some woman had to ask me if i’d left my child somewhere as I was still sharing my inner monologue even though there was no tiny spectator to weigh in on the quantity of bananas required for that week. It has become second nature to vocalise every thought and action so that their tiny ears are filled with the wonder of language and I’m sure some wonderful Scandinavian research has shown that babies that are spoken to constantly grow up to be superheros who never forget mother’s day, don’t send you to an old people’s home that smells of wee and as teenagers don’t give you shit and get saturday jobs.
- I have an incredible pain threshold. Not just from the obvious . . pushing a 10 pound human out my lady garden but to put up with the bumps and scrapes that comes from general day to day mumming. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say I get more shots to the face than Connor McGregor did at UFC 186. There is also a huge quantity of eye gouging, head butting, hair pulling and more recently now the wee man is getting bigger – some horribly accurate fanny punts. All delivered with the cunning savagery of a 4 mth old who has worked out how to smile but not how to control his failing limbs when he wants a feed or a cuddle.
- I read random Scandinavian research papers, I trawl the internet and forums and random blogs for information. Is sleep training worth it or is sleeping at night just a genetic lottery ( research suggest genetics) and how long should i breast feed ( until my bones turn to glass) and is baby lead weaning the way forward?? Am I raising an emotional cripple because we co-sleep and 9 times out of 10 I wear Henry instead of putting him in a pram . . . . I’m pretty sure they should give you a phD when your kid turns 5. I have read more papers in the last year than I ever did at University. It’s madness especially considering I’ve had so little sleep I’m hallucinating and hearing crazy voices telling me to eat danish pastries. . . .not completely unlike fresher’s week actually now I think back . .
So if you ignore the eye bags, weird knot in my hair at the base of the neck which I’m hoping I won’t have to cut out and the fact I’m so tired I’m pinching my face to stay conscious (which also gives my cheeks a rather healthy glow) I think becoming a mummy is pretty awesome!
How do you think you’ve changed since becoming a mummy?